What it is really necessary for our children?

Some time ago I took an interesting conversation. The fact that in June 2011, came to us Stephan Hausner and his family. Stefan - known in the world of facilitators and homeopath. He and his wife have six children, and the youngest - 6 years (This Stefan and his wife - 50).

And the organizer of the event told me about his approach to child-rearing. The fact that Stefan arrived with a baby, do not adjust to its program under his desires. Son was just all the time with my parents. And they traveled to the sacred places of our region, have been at the Museum of the blockade and so on. In general, the normal six year old child it would be too sad and boring. But their son was pleased and happy.

And what Stefan told - really surprised me and made me think. He said that ordinary parents are busy coming up with a permanent employment for their children. We always want to somehow occupy and entertain. So children cease to occupy themselves, and they need more of our participation. "I'm bored. What should I do?". They are demanding more and more attention, and parents do not have so much energy and capacity to meet all the children's wishes.

From an early age children attend educational group, then clubs, entertainment centers, amusement parks. The whole industry is based on the fact that at the weekend the parents take their children "have a rest". Zoos, water parks, dolphinarium, aquarium, theaters, cinemas, museums, karting ...

What finally gets the child? A bunch of emotions, experiences, new desires. But most importantly - he is never satisfied. He gets out of Disneyland after a day of riding on the roller coaster and eating ice cream. And to the question: "Well?" Says that something is not enough, something was not pleasant.

Is it even possible to have a large family in this format, as it is now? Indeed, sometimes a child is completely exhausting parents whims, desires and behavior. And if these two, three, six?

Perhaps not entirely appropriate metaphor. But for some reason I can imagine little mother-monkey, which causes children to ride a giraffe, and then dragging them to go to school, where they live polar bears. Rather, it will business as usual, to which harmoniously fit children. And they will learn from mom how to live in this world.

Why are we so? That is not enough for children and why we are so zealously engaged in this endless razvlekaniem?

There is a contact?

The child needs contact with mom and dad. And contact as possible should be permanent. It's not about that all day to sit and look at it. Contact is the ability of the child at any time address to the parents. With the request, with the desire to share something with the pain.

When a baby is born, the first thing he lay on his stomach mother. He needs continued contact. And the first time he asks her to be as close as possible. Sleep together, worn in a sling, breastfeeding.

Over time, this close contact is transformed. From flesh - in a more emotional. Biennial baby is important to show mom your skills, get pozhalelku after the fall, help in a difficult situation.

The three-year need all the answers, assistance in establishing contacts with the world of self-service skills training and assistance.

And children often need to know that they have the opportunity at any time to turn to my mother. At any time when you need it. If a child has this understanding, he would not pull the parents every five minutes. Because he does not need to prove it yourself.

It's like living in a big city. Most of the residents of cities, according to opinion polls, do not need to go every day to the sights. But they appreciate the opportunity at any time to go to the Hermitage or the Red Square.

Kontakta.Net

In today's world, parents can not ensure the child such contact. We lost at work. From morning until night. And on weekends we want to compensate for their lack of "buying" loyalty to the child's regular entertainment. And this again is not the desired contact with parents.

Is in contact with the child - is not easy. Allow it to pull us out of the important things to evaluate the picture. Or hear his sudden proposal for a walk during a heavy rain. Or even simply to observe that it is not on its own - even if he does not talk.

If he has no contact - he always will be something not to miss. Each of us can look at your life and realize that all life we ​​are looking for something. We are always short of something important. From early childhood.

Maybe that's why we are constantly trying to draw public attention - the clever ideas, outrageous behavior of their achievements? Maybe that's why we do not believe in the sincerity of other people and do not know how to build relationships? Maybe it was the lack of contact with parents - the reason for our low self-esteem, complexes and negative programs?

After all, when something was different. When my mother was not working, and I engaged in farming. The children grew up with her, helping her around and learning from it. Grown children took with him in the field or in the forest father. And the boys learned from him. A girl's mother taught her the finer points.

Yes, people were living differently. They have not traveled the world in search of impressions, not moved from place to place, not my friends, cars, garden. Maybe they just did not have the need for a constant flashing of pictures outside, having a rich inner world?

Selfishness as a disease of our time

A child whose parents indulge all his whims, ensure the fulfillment of all his desires - whether we like it or not - is growing selfish. He did not understand why he needed to give up something, something to give in, someone to serve. He lives with his childhood in the entertainment world that revolves around his persona. And he does not distinguish between needs and wants. For him it is - one and the same.

He does not see an example of service. Because parents are not engaged in the service of each other. Especially a child. After all, true worship is not to indulge his whims. And to give what they really need. Reacting to his needs.

The parents do not give children contact, replacing it with pleasure. And since the very love their children, they try to give the maximum of pleasure.

So growing up, we think that all of us have something. Parents should buy us an apartment and a car, pay for education. The state is obliged to provide us with social programs.

And it seems that all that some of us think. What someone thinks about us bad that someone is thinking of us well. What we all have to deal with. Our world revolves around us. And so we have a permanent set of public attention: "What will people say?"

Also, we think that everything should be on our way. Therefore, the husband should do, how I want the children to behave as I should. Even God has to give me all that I want.

And facing the family heads together two egoist, none of whom did not want to concede. At the third light appears selfish, for which we are willing to sacrifice a bit of their own interests. But not enough to come out of his shell and touch the heart of his soul. And just so that he, too, had its own armor with us.

It's easier. Simply buy a gift, something to talk heart to heart. Simply to celebrate a birthday in a cafe than to bake a cake with a soul. Simply for the weekend to go to an entertainment center than to go hiking together. Simply buy a finished house than to build it together. Simply take a round the clock nurse, so she raised a child.

As it was, and I've got

I remember my childhood and realize that it is the happy part - is the time when we lived in a hostel. When my mother was not possible to deal with an entertainment for me. And she had no one to leave me. That's why I was against it. Visiting sometimes at work, at the store, the post office, the Savings Bank, in the passport office, on business trips.

I sat at the table with adults, where there were no other children. And one might think that I missed. But I listened to their conversations. I was wondering - what it's like to be an adult? What are their thoughts, problems, anxiety?

Yes, not always I loved it. Especially sweltering post office queues and bureaucratic offices. But I had known from childhood, how to fill out the papers and what the window of their stuff. I knew how many there are and how much food they need to prepare something. We wash hands underwear, I ironed clothes. Together with my mother cooked delicious cakes and biscuits, 6 years old could already be alone at home. And my mom was for me calm.

I was not bored. I was glad that my mother takes me with him. Up to a certain age - which I myself said that more will not go with it. Because I is not interested.

Now my children grow. And I see that they are calm and happy when we took leave of them are at home. Or walk. Or go together somewhere. On vacation we go to where we wonder. Because the usual holiday in Turkey or Egypt at the rate "all inclusive" we do not endure.

I at this point still need to find this line. After all, my mother had no other options. I have. And sometimes they seem to be easier and more attractive.

According to Stefan sunk deep into my heart and impressed me. I realized that it is impossible to bring up so many children. It clearly Stephen Covey, who I respect immensely, raise their nine different.

I realized how often I fall into this trap. When I go to shop for shoes themselves, and buy another constructor. When I put the baby cartoons on demand. Again I saw the score of my sons clothes cabinets and dozens of boxes of toys.

I often choose activities for children, not for the family. Zoos, playgrounds, amusement parks. And in such a situation we are all very tired. Returning home exhausted, though with lots of experience.

But when we make a choice in favor of total relaxation - walks in the park, or a trip out of town to visit, chatting with friends in a bath - the effect of the other. Children are calm, we - are satisfied. And there are forces, there is inspiration. This does not mean that we do not go to zoos and amusement parks. Sometimes - there are also there. When all of this would be desirable.

I was the oldest child in the year started to drive on developmental activities. I still do not understand why. Junior developing home. And he learns very quickly. He already knows how to wash your hair, how to cook porridge, as the comb. Once even almost shaved :) Well, the machine did not stand the blade.

At home, I try to do things to the maximum, not the children. They this time with me. They eat - I wash the dishes and talk to them. They play - I am working. They wash - I hung the laundry. They see what is in everyday life. How to prepare food, how to wash laundry as trailing mandala ...

I'm near. They can always call me, and I will come. And I think it's more valuable than amusement parks, trampolining, educational centers and kindergartens.

Yes, we still took the eldest of kindergarten ever. Although he went there only for half a day. Because he lacks communication and at home. With his brother, with the guests on the street. Sport, too, he is - but the ones that need it - speech therapy and psychological. And he was more comfortable at home - he is not sick, he is fast-paced, learning, growing.

What do they want our children?

They just want to be with us. Have the opportunity to learn from us. Be in contact. And if we can not provide them with permanent contact - perhaps should change the attitude, for example, to rest?

Many families go on vacation to where the children will be fine. At the same time they own it boring and uninteresting. They themselves would be something different - mountain hikes, alloys, trips to the city. Happy Children, seeing such sacrifices parents? I am glad if the child's children's resort, if mom and dad bored and sad faces?

And will it be hard for your child to wander with you on trains and planes, if your eyes light up with joy? So there is great difficulty traveling with a backpack and a tent if the evening the whole family is united around the campfire?

Why parents do not start doing something that they themselves wonder together with their children? At the same time made clear that it is your desire. Which can be interesting and child (and not that "We go to a museum, and you give me 10 years thank you say")

It is important to determine the transition point - when the child begins its own interests, its own life, its own plans. And from that moment to give him privacy. Seeing the experience of his parents, he will be aware of how to fulfill their desires, so that all of it was good.

Our children want us to be happy with them. To my mother, sitting in the decree, I did not feel like a marmot. To Dad renounced his hobby because of them. In order to leave all the rest. To Mom and Dad did not ask her if the baby brother, but made the decision themselves.

They do not need our sacrifices, for which we are 20 years later will invoice: "I raised you, fed, and you ...". They do not want that for their sake we sacrifice my happiness, relationships.

Along with the happy parents - the child becomes happy. And the key word here, two - "together" and "happy." Both are equivalent.

Being close with happy - does not mean ownership. Being unhappy with - does not mean happiness. Therefore, let us learn to be together and happy.

I wish every child, so that he could feel with happy parents!